ASK LISA: HELP MY ROOMMATE FIND SMART, IN SHAPE GUYS
I read your recent blog about body types, and I asked my roomie what she thought. She is 5’10″ and has a smoking body. She is seeing a guy who is 6’2″ and is rock solid, but he is a meat-head and she is extremely cultured. They see each other about once a week, and I don’t think it is going to last, but honestly, like you, my roommate feels finding a guy who is both physically attractive and her equal plus cultured and intelligent not to mention available, is like finding a needle in a haystack. She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, because she has done quite well on her own. Honestly, I think that for both you and my roommate waiting for the right guy is the best thing to do. Her friends are always trying to set her up, but it is the same thing every time. She thinks he was nice, but didn’t do anything for her at all. I believe couples should compliment each other physically. She doesn’t care if she is going to be an old maid, because she refuses to settle. So my question is besides the gym (we have one in the garage) or a bar, where should she go to meet men? She has 2 fantastic Labrador Retrievers, but when we walk them, instantly guys think we are a couple.
~Caring Roommate in California
OK so how long have you been crushing on your roommate? Just saying… I think that you wonder why she isn’t into you and that you meet her on the mental level obviously have a bond in friendship but all that is missing is the sex. If there was sex, you’d be in a full on relationship. Ok so sort that out because living with someone you want to be with romantically is a disaster.
Ok so on to your total package roommate. First, she needs to put you in the roommate zone. This means you don’t walk dogs together, you don’t grocery shop together and she stops treating you as a surrogate husband. WHY?? Because running errands is a key time to meet men. People look the hottest when they are paying more attention to their “to do” list than whether or not they will meet anyone. That preoccupied air makes other people take notice more. So roomie needs to do her own thing all the time while you babysit her labs. You live together so there is plenty of time for you both to be buddy buddy roommates. But when she starts walking around town with you running errands, it sends the wrong message.
I have a man friend and he flipped his shit and dialed things way way back after he took me on a few of his errands. I get it. He’s not into me as a girlfriend (possibly for reasons I’ll get to later, or others that remain a mystery to me) and so taking me to run errands tells the world we’re a couple. If he checks out a woman while I’m there that woman will think he’s a disrespectful douche. If a woman checks him out, then sees me, she’ll think I’m his girlfriend and she has zero shot and be on her way. Same goes for you and the roommate. She needs to acknowledge that when she takes you on errands, she is limiting her chances of meeting guys. If she’s cool with that and genuinely wants to hang with you then great! But if priority #1 is to find a guy then she needs to leave your ass at home to babysit the Labradors.
Now, as far as WHERE to go, she needs to go to join a gym and a high end gym where professional working men who can afford the membership are or she can date an educated trainer (they do exist and are at the higher end gyms that require extensive study in anatomy, exercise sciences, nutrition and physiology). Basement workouts are fine but if she’s like me and likes muscular in-shape men then she needs to go where they are. She obviously can afford a gym membership so she needs to put herself right where they are. If she has a hot body then she needs to put it out there in front of men in a logical acceptable setting. THE GYM!! I walk around Equinox in spandex shorts and teeny stomach baring sports bra top. I sometimes run an errand on my way back from the gym in the same attire. However, I live in South Beach. Walking around half naked is common here.
Anyway yes, it’s like looking for steak at the bakery. You want steak go to the butcher shop, not the bakery. The roommate needs to go where the men she likes are. She’s not going to find them in the basement. For me, I decided the men I like are not at the clubs. So I hardly go to them. If and when I do it’s more about the music than it is about finding my type of guy. All I find in the clubs are 25 year olds or old men here on business popping bottles being approached by hookers. They are rarely in shape and don’t live here. Yet, when I go to work out at Equinox all the guys are all right there.
Granted, striking up conversation with guys while they are working out is tricky. People see one another at the gym but they don’t necessarily want to interrupt a workout with chit chat. However, with total jedi flirting skills and a little patience, she can gather solid data and determine if the guy has a brain to match the brawn. She should approach a man at the gym but totally keep it about fitness. If she sees a guy working his arms and she’s practically drooling, she should politely walk up to him and ask a question. “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt you but, can you tell me if I’m doing this right? I’m trying to work this part of my arms and maybe I’m missing something.”
Men LOVE to fix things and they love it when women turn to them for advice and opinions. It’s an ego boost to them. I don’t care is she has arms that rival Madonna’s she needs to show him that she noticed his guns and wants his advice which opens the door to conversation. As soon as he shows her what other arm exercises she can do, she should ask him what else he does for exercise. Does he run? Does he have dogs that he walks? This is the time to gather information. Then within a minute or two she’ll know if he’s datable. If he is, she needs to suggest something in a very put it out there, easy breezy way. “Oh cool you have a dog, I have two Labradors, we should walk them sometime, maybe take them for a hike.” If he’s into her he’ll get his phone and they’ll exchange numbers. Then she should say ok cool I’ll call you, thanks for the help with the arms and walk away.
Too many women think they need to hang back and wait for the man to come up to them. Men are chicken shit. The ones with the sick redic bodies are usually even more chicken shit and sadly they are wrongly perceived as cocky or arrogant. Trust me. I’m friends with a lot of hot guys. They’re chickenshits. So it’s good for women to approach men however the key is never to seem too eager and contrived. She should be friendly and outgoing. That guy should come away from the interaction intrigued. He should be asking himself, “did I just get hit on right now, hmmm…maybe she’s just friendly, she’s hot though so I hope she calls me, crap, maybe I should just text her.” See what happens? The guy is now wondering and wondering leads to curiosity and curiosity leads to erections and erections lead to action. By the time that guy gets into the shower he’ll be jerking off thinking about your roommate the chick with the hot body from the gym. This is how guys are wired and when a woman can sort that out she can and will get what she wants.
Another call out is this. If she does so well for herself what the hell is she doing with a roommate? She’s going to need to ditch you, the roommate if she wants to get serious about her dating life. That’s a fact. No guy wants to know that his potential girlfriend is sharing intimate details about her life, going grocery shopping and pretty much living life with another man (regardless if there’s sex involved or not). So until she revamps her life she’ll attract meat heads. She needs to ask herself is the life she has currently conducive and welcoming to the kind of man she is interested in attracting? I can speak for myself here and will be a little vulnerable and use my own life as it currently is as an example.
Right now I am separated from a man I know for more than half my life. We were married 12 years. It’s not like we dated 2 years and were married for 4. This man is family to me. I met him when I was 20. He’s a part of me. Plus when I took a vow to be with him till death, I took that shit seriously. I’m fully aware that life throws twists and turns and sometimes people outgrow one another and aren’t meant to be together in a marriage for whatever reason. He won’t file papers. He says he still loves me. I love him, although it’s morphed into a different form of love. So yeah, I’m in emotional limbo. My career is also in a lull. I’m amidst a major life reinvention and deep, long needed soul search. I have a very clear view of how I want to live and the kind of person I want to share that new lifestyle with. However… am I taking the necessary steps to get there? Sure, but only to a point.
People get in their own way. I certainly am in my own way right now. However, I’m way better than I was 2 years ago when I first separated. Back then I was pissed off and sad yet I had this façade like all was perfect and I was here to party and celebrate how fabulous I am. Now I’m more real and vulnerable. I’m sorting it out just as anyone else. We’re all here to learn. Before any guy who called me on my shit would be dismissed. But now I prefer surrounding myself with people who observe me and then point out where I can be better. I’m still pissed but now I know for sure that my inner dialogue affects what I attract. So I have power to change what I’m attracting based on changing what I am putting out there.
Your roommate has the same power. My life as it stands is not at all conducive to a relationship. My sort of husband still hangs out with me. We don’t have sex but he comes over, does laundry, leaves his bike on my terrace. We still don’t really talk about us and where we are headed so I kinda gave up on that conversation. But what does this friendship with the sort of husband communicate to another guy? It says I’m conflicted and not 100% available. It says that for whatever reason I am at the core not ready for a serious relationship. Actions show truth.
Roomie needs to dig deeper. You my friend are the same as my sort of husband’s bike on my terrace. You’re there but really don’t need to be. The issue here isn’t about where your roommate (or I) can go to meet the kind of men we like BUT what do we offer these men once they reciprocate interest.
Your roommate and I can meet a guy tomorrow who meets our physical and mental ideal. Then what? We go out on a few dates, and as we reveal ourselves, the layers of the onion start to peel away. Then truth is shown. I actually told a guy that I’m incredibly attracted to that I’m pretty much waiting to met someone who blows my hair back, mans up and tells me he’s into me 100% and if I get divorced he’ll have my back through it and we’ll start to build our own thing together. When I was a teen I’d break up with a guy for another guy. I hopped from lily pad to lily pad like a little frog never once having to tread water. So there’s definitely some arrested development going on. I totally recognize this. It absolutely affects who I attract and how far they’ll go with me emotionally. So that’s all on me. My thinking is that I need another dude to “save me” from my current situation and THAT along with the sort of husband’s mountain bike on my terrace tells any man I’m emotionally off limits or worse NEEDY. Ooof!
So perhaps the roommate is putting obstacles up in front of her the same way I am. When I look at my life I really have zero business complaining that I can’t meet the right guy. My life isn’t set up in a way to attract him. The same probably holds true for the roommate. There are always deeper reasons for why people are in certain life situations. Sorting this out and admitting it, owning it is the first step. Doing something about it is a whole other story. It’s hard. I know what I have in me to give. I know the kind of girlfriend and wife I can be but my being separated and not divorced is blocking that light from shining. I’m fully aware of this. Your roommate needs to think of herself as a beacon. She is this bright light guiding the right guys to her but if that light is blocked she won’t be found. As soon as she identifies what’s blocking her and is brave enough to remove those blocks, then she’ll meet her guy as she’s walking her dogs, on her way to the dry cleaners or while picking up take out.
So once again I’m pretty okay at offering advice. Guess I need to start taking my own. I wish the roommate all the best in her search for the guy and for herself.
Thanks for your question and if anyone else out there has a random question about anything drop me a note at firstname.lastname@example.org and ask your question. Any question is a good question.