BEWARE of the “DINNER and IN-HER” APPROACH TO DATING

Posted by Lisa C. on Mar 21, 2012 in DATING & RELATIONSHIPS, EATING OUT, FOOD N DRINK | 4 comments

When it comes to women there are two camps. First, is the group of women who don’t want to commit to a full blown dinner for a first date. Then there are the women who expect and demand nothing but 4 and 5 star restaurants and expect men to jump through hoops to impress them.

“I won’t go anywhere that doesn’t require us to dress up on a date. For me it’s Prime 112, Prime Italia, Scarpetta, Tudor House, Soho House, Casa Tua, Zuma and any other place at that level. A man should want to impress me.” –Natasha, 26

“I’d rather meet a guy on Lincoln Road for a drink or and Iced Coffee at Nespresso. If we hit it off over coffee then it’s worth it to grab lunch or dinner. I actually prefer going out more causally at the beginning and save the expensive dinner for when things are serious. The last thing I want to feel is anxiety thinking a guy is going to expect sex because he’s throwing down $400 on a meal.” –Jen 28

When it comes to men, there are also two camps. First, there are the men who expect sex after dropping money on dinner, regardless of how many stars but most definitely will expect it after a $400 meal. Then there are the men who refuse to go to dinner until he gets to know the girl first.

“I know which girls I have to wine and dine and which girls will spread em after a burger. If a girl comes across laid back, she’s cooler to hang with, requires less of an investment on dinner then doesn’t have sex with me I’m intrigued and all I spent was $50 bucks. It makes me want to impress her even more.”

-Carlos, 33

“I refuse to take a girl I just met to dinner. Period. It’s simple math. If I dated 4 women in a month and each date was $100 – $200 that adds up and who knows if any of the 4 women will be a fit? I meet a girl for lunch at a place like LIME or Pacha’s on Lincoln or no food at all and just some Cold Stone Creamery or Nespresso. I’ll invest $15 to collect some data. If she seems cool and the conversation is easy then we’ll see.” –Jeremy 31

Ladies and gentlemen there is a dating trend that I have coined the “Dinner and In-Her” approach to dating. This describes men who invite women out to an expensive dinner (figure over $200) and then presumes he’s getting laid. It’s as if instead of hiring a hooker he figured he may as well be efficient and have dinner before sex. There are “Dinner and In-Her” hot spots all around Miami Beach Prime 112, Prime Italia, Red The Steakhouse, Hakkasan, are among a long list of panty dropping hot spots where this dating technique is prevalent.

I’ve been reading the book, “Why Men Love Bitches,” which advises women to be in control of herself, her vagina and her appetite. I’m absolutely an eater. I love great food. I also love good sex but just because you put a $50 steak in front of me doesn’t mean I’m going to get naked. I need to see you shirtless on the beach first. Just sayin…

Men I beg you please please save your dinner invitations to these four and five dollar sign (as per Miami Magazine) establishments for a special dinner after you’ve already gotten to know each other. This guy Dave told me how he met this girl at MYNT, exchanged numbers, texted for a few days, and invited her out for a dinner at Scarpetta. He thought she was beautiful and clearly not the kind of girl you can invite to Taco Rico. He picks her up at the Flamingo (cue the laugh track) in his Jeep Grand Cherokee. He notices she seems disappointed by his car but presumes it’s because her dress is two inches below her coochacha making for a challenging dismount. They arrive at the Fontainebleau proceed to Scarpetta and are seated. She’s friendly, charming, flirty, touching his thigh under the table. It was the right amount of flirty. He was psyched. They order, they eat and despite the fact she lived at the Flamingo and her dress was at streetwalker length, she wasn’t. She was a lady and she stuck to her two glasses of wine and asked to be taken home so she can walk her dog by midnight. She didn’t say yes when Dave the dumbass asked her if he should valet his car. She kissed him goodnight on the lips, moderate tongue that clearly communicates she was into him but he wasn’t getting into her, at least not that night. “I had soooooo much fun with you. Let’s do something next week, maybe movies and ice cream at ColdStone,” she said as she left. All good right? Wrong!! You see Dumbass Dave went out with the intention of getting laid. This was his mistake. INTENTION.  He presumed he would get some if he threw down the Visa on a $200 meal at Scarpetta for a girl he just met at Mynt a week before. MISTAKE!! Bigger mistake he blew off this beautiful lady, texted his booty call and was back taking another woman out. This time it was Prime Italia.

“Maybe I just need to pick different girls.”  Ooof! I unleashed. The conversation went like this.

ME: Dave please don’t be that guy.

DAVE: What guy? I took her out for an expensive dinner and she ditched me.

ME: She didn’t ditch you. Ditching you would be if she left you at the end of the meal to meet girlfriend’s heading into LIV because one of them knew a guy with a table but ooops she can’t get you in. That’s ditching.

DAVE: It’s bullshit. Whatever.

ME: You made the mistake not her. She’s a good girl who wasn’t falling for the “Dinner and In-Her” dating routine. Good for her.

DAVE: WHAAAAT? What the hell is Dinner and In-Her?

ME: Dinner and In-Her is when guys take girls they don’t even know to an expensive dinner expecting sex. It’s basically dating a woman’s vagina thinking her stomach is its chaperone.

DAVE: I probably could have taken this girl to Burger Beer Joint which is really where I wanted to go in the first place but I presumed this girl wouldn’t want to go there.

ME: Dave sweetie you have it backwards. You need to have a plan. You need to use the restaurant as a way to weed out the good girls from the gold digging, doggie baggin, borderline hookers seeking a sponsor. Don’t use meals to impress the girls. Use the meal to express the level of care you have for the girl. She want’s Prime 112, the Superbowl of panty dropping restaurants then she’s got to get through the season first, make it to the playoffs and earn it.

DAVE: So you think a first date should be more casual??

ME: YES! If you are looking for a good girl not a hooker gold digger then yes. Test her. You should have asked her out to Burger Beer Joint then if she cops attitude you know right there she’s not your girl. Ok so you blew off this girl for a week. Call her and invite her out again.

DAVE: Forget it. I blew it. I didn’t respond to any of her texts. It’s been a week and to women that means he’s not into me, move along.

ME: NO your penis didn’t respond to her texts but you’ve been thinking about her all week because she didn’t give it up. Don’t even lie to me.

DAVE: Ugh I suck.

ME: Ok Dave honey, Call Scarpetta chick. DON’T TEXT HER. CALL HER. If she has a brain, you’ll go to voicemail. Here’s the message: Hey it’s Dave. I apologize for not getting in touch sooner but I’d love to take you out again. Call me back and let me know if you are up for a movie and ice cream Thursday night. I’d really like to hang with you again and I regret not calling you sooner.

DAVE: dials her number, proceeds to leave the message.

They went to the movies, then to Cold Stone Creamery. They held hands, they kissed and Dave proceeded to have his bull pen of easy lays to take care of little Dave after he left Raquel (Scarpetta chick’s name). After a month and seeing Raquel a total of 6 more times they bonded. She invited him and his two friends out with her and her 3 friends. They had a blast. Then what Dave did next advanced him to the bonus round. He drank a bit too much and asked Raquel if it would be cool if he “crashed on her couch.” She said absolutely, drinking and driving wouldn’t be good. So he put his car in the Valet and went to her place. He sat on the couch.

DAVE: thanks so much for letting me crash

Raquel: Oh you’re welcome. If you got in an accident or even a ticket I’d feel awful. I’m going to change. Be right back.

DAVE: (from the sofa) I like your place. This is the longest time I’ve hung out with a girl before seeing the inside of her place. We’ve been out what like 8 times??

Raquel: (from her bedroom) Yeah, 7 or 8 something like that. But I started to feel really comfortable with you by like the 4^th time we hung out.

DAVE: The night I busted my ass getting out of the taxi?

Raquel: (proceeds to come out of her bedroom wearing a tank-top and folded over boxer shorts) Yep! That was hysterical and that was when I knew you were a good guy. After our first date I wrote you off.

DAVE: YOU DID!! That night cost me more than 4 dates combined.

Raquel: The first date was all about you trying to get laid and I knew it. If you didn’t call me back I knew I’d write you off.

DAVE: but then I did call you back.

Raquel: Yep and then we hung out more and we bonded and well now, well what do you think?

DAVE: I think I want more.

Raquel: More what?

DAVE: More of you. I like hanging out with you and getting to know you. You make me kinda scared.

Raquel: Really? Why?

DAVE: Cause you threw me off my game. You put me on your schedule and you didn’t appear to care if I was interested or not.

Raquel: I showed you I’m interested. The more you showed me that you wanted to know me with my clothes on made me want to know you with your clothes off.

DAVE: Are you serious? I thought you were only into me as a friend.

Raquel: (moves in for the kiss) You are my friend, but there’s also attraction and now there’s trust so I’m going to kiss you on my sofa in my apartment.

Dave and Raquel eventually had sex. HE was nervous. There was no fancy dinner, just laundry and Chinese Food delivery from Chow Down Grill. He picked up a sock that fell out of her laundry basket and she attacked him. I saw Dave and Raquel a few weeks ago on Lincoln Road. When he introduced her he proudly said, Lis this is Raquel… ya know Scarpetta chick. I put out my hand, “let me shake your hand woman. Very nice to meet you. Well done. Very well done.”

The lessons: Men just because you throw down big money on a fancy dinner doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Girls aren’t impressed by a perfectly cooked medium rare steak and garlic mashed potatoes. They are impressed by humor, manners, intelligence and openness. If you’re a good guy with lots to offer and you are confident in this then weed out the women to find the ones who are into you for you and not the dinners. Ladies, just because a guy takes you out to dinner doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to offer your pie for dessert. Feelin what I’m saying here? If you demand expensive dinners and that the guy jumps through hoops for you eventually that will get old and he’ll dump you.

The issue when it comes to food is never to exist on extremes. Be a gamer. Be able to suck down delicious oysters and hurricanes at a Monty’s happy hour in flip flops and then be able to enjoy a fancier meal too. Variety is the spice of life and this goes for both men and women. No woman wants a man who’s idea of a fancy dinner is dare I say it Applebees. This isn’t Nebraska it’s Miami there are plenty of places at all sorts of budgets to go. Sugarcane is a fun spot for a date as is Barcelonetta. Doraku is always a great bet and their happy hour is one of the best on the beach.

I recently turned down a dinner invite to Palm D’Or with this guy I met while dining at the bar at Barcelonetta. I gave him a chance to get to know me immediately knew he would be put in the friend zone so when he asked me to dinner I said sure, I’d be up for a friendly dinner. Emphasis on the word friendly. He suggests Palm D’Or. He probably thought I would jump at the chance to dine at this 5 star establishment. Nope. I responded “a bit much for a friendly dinner don’t ya think?” We planned for another more low key place. However, by then it was clear that nothing was going to happen. As expected he came up with an excuse the day of for why he couldn’t meet for dinner. I didn’t care at all. I was relieved.

The lesson here ladies and gentleman is that it isn’t about the meal. Anyone with a credit card can have an expensive meal. It’s about INTENTION. Some women think that where they demand to go dictates the circles they run in and the men they meet. Women like that annoy me to no end. Men who go for those kinds of women annoy me even more so they kind of deserve each other.