DETOX SHMEETOX Reset The Mind and Standards

Posted by Lisa C. on May 26, 2012 in DATING & RELATIONSHIPS | 1 comment

So about a month ago I decided to put myself on a 90-day P90x style DUDE DETOX. I realized… it will never work. I’m not one for constraints and rules limiting me from opportunity. I am however, very very into making conscious choices and shifting my head away from man drama and onto far more productive things.

First I want steady, stable employment. The job market in Miami is a shit show but I am holding out and not settling. I have years of experience and have been networking and interviewing. Finding steady income will be the game-changer for my life right now. It will put me back in sugarmomma mode meaning that foolish notion that a man is going to rescue and provide for me just because I feel I paid my dues is poof, gone.

I’m a worker bee always was. With money comes freedom and CHOICE and the problem was that in my marriage, I became breadwinner and there was a shift in roles and a loss of respect. THAT won’t ever happen to me again. I’d rather make my own money and build my own life so that if I want to spend time with a sexy, fun, intelligent man who makes half of what I make yet has passion for what he does, I can and without any resentment.

My man challenge is that I want both, a man who is my physical equal who is hitting his stride financially.  Sadly, it seems like at least in Miami, this kind of man doesn’t exist. If he does he’s somewhere on vacation with his wife and 2 kids. I’m 41 and depending on the day and lighting I look between 28 and 32. So this poses a problem. I’m attracted to hard bodies handsome faces and sorry but I’ve yet to see anyone over 44 with both. The money men don’t have time to work out (which personally I think is total bullshit because if you’re making money then you can afford to have a personal trainer meet you from 6am to 7am to help keep that stomach from pooching).

So the money men are usually in their mid to late 40’s and if they are single they usually have kids, or an ex wife which is too much baggage to fit in my car should I feel the need to do a random road trip to Islamorada. So my plan is to hang out for 10 years, and during that time meet and spend time with amazing men who drift into my life for a purpose and a lesson. How amazing is that! I’ll get my stable job, save money, possibly buy a condo and just enjoy myself as I wait for my body and face to catch up to my actual age. Then when I’m 51 we’ll see where I’m at. If I meet a man who blows my hair back then I’ll be open to a relationship just as I am now. But the difference is that when I’m 51 I’m sure my physical standards will change as my own physicality changes. (We’ll see, my stepmother is 57 and can rock a bikini better than most 32 year olds).

So yeah the dude detox is done. I decided it just wasn’t my sport.

When I was around 9 my mother was hell bent on getting me to join something. She wanted me to do ballet and tap. So she takes me to this dance studio and they start doing the moves. I felt like an idiot. She tried gymnastics. I fell off the balance beam and there went that, wasn’t my sport. While at a barbeque my grandfather told me to grab a baseball mitt to have a catch. I was a natural. I had coordination. I can catch and, for a 9 year old I had an arm. But can I hit? Grandpa found a bat. He threw me the ball and I whacked it. Softball came natural. I found my sport. I like to play for points. I’m competitive but to a point. So same as how I knew ballet and gymnastics wasn’t for me is how I know rigidly detoxing from men isn’t for me.

I decided though to detox from the drama associated with men. Men who want to deal with me need to know their role. They are to provide me joy, simple. They are not to clutter my mind with additional bullshit. They are NOT to frustrate me in any way. Men, at this stage of my life, need to be a source for fun and happiness. That’s it. This isn’t to say they are supposed to kiss my ass and not challenge me. No, I want them to challenge me. BUT if they are afraid of commitment of any kind physical, emotional, or both then they will quickly frustrate me and the unconnected superficial sex won’t cut it. You can’t feed me filet mignon and then hand me a McDonald’s burger and expect to be satisfied. Sorry. It doesn’t work that way.

So since I am only attracted to broke ass hotties then I need to continue to keep the relationship option off the table. The friends with benefits arrangement needs to be an asset to my life and fit into the other things I have going on. It can’t be what I think about 85% of my time and the sex needs to be on point otherwise really, what’s the point? I can “handle” myself. Men for too long have taken up way way too much of my brain space and energy. So I switched my head. There are new rules…

1. When they look, they find: I will not look for nor chase any man. I’m the easiest person to find. You want to see me, look for me and make plans with me. Otherwise I have work to do, blogs to write, books to read, people to meet, workouts to do. Lock it down or lose it.
2. There must be an equal return on investment and the sex needs to be stellar which requires a connection and NO HOLDING BACK: I will give not to get but instead I will give because I get.
3. Men friends are awesome: Guy friends are great and I shall continue to hang out with my guy friends without muddying the waters.
4. I will be clear of my intentions: If I’m interested in a guy romantically I’ll let him know it. If he’s not interested in me that way then into the friendzone he’ll go.
5. I won’t have my time wasted: Any guy I allow into my world will get the same exact level of energy and brain space as I see he is giving me. If it’s not enough I will say so. I’m not interested in a guy who sees me once every other week. If he’s a friend then that’s fine. But if he’s seeing me naked then once every other week isn’t going to keep me interested. Sorry. This plant requires more water than that.
6. My goals are priority #1: I have this blog which is a passion, becoming a brand ambassador is something I really want to do. Having steady and stable income is top of the to-do list for me. Working out is a big priority because I want my body to look INSANE for my age, not just good but INSANE. Once I have the steady employment then I want to move down South of Fifth maybe buy a condo, sell my furniture and buy new. I want new surroundings to go with my new life.
7. I will remove myself form any situation that doesn’t benefit me and instead frustrates me.
8. I will continue to revel in my alone time.
9. I will continue to go places alone. I’d love to road trip it with Taz to Islamorada and just chill.
10. I will pray, tithe and express gratitude daily.

This is the new amended contract I have drafted and signed for myself. While the concept of dude detox was a good one, it was an example of swinging the pendulum in far opposite direction. I need to be balanced and in the middle. I need to have my standards yet open to possibilities to be turned on to other ways of thinking based on the people I meet and what they share with me. Blocking myself to the wonderful, interesting and often entertaining creatures that men are would hinder me from potentially learning from them.